Closing time
“Closing time, every new beginning
Comes from some other beginning's end”
April has been about going out and staying in, sunkissed (and sweaty) skin, iced lattes, not being startled of msg notifications anymore, drawing, drawing, drawing.
In conclusion, it was nice. April has been a good month. Great, even! But I have this notion in my messed up head that good things only happen for a reason – even though I know they shouldn’t. They don’t. – I still get anxious that something bad’s bound to happen. A price to pay for happiness. (Trust me, I’m trying real hard to throw this mindset away.) ((Beh, deserve natin ng nice things in life!! Walang kapalit, basta dasurv lang.))
I talked to a friend this month and told her about how I still feel stuck in old “places.” Situations. And how I long for them. I mean there are things I do really want back… like having my own place, that first sip of Mrs. Cold from Factory Coffee, our Zamba trip where I dented my mom’s car, the life and energy of my early 20s. I want my parents to be young again. And then I bargain that maybe they could just stay their age; to not grow old. And then there are things I know I shouldn’t be longing for anymore. Some fractions of our life are just meant to be memories. No matter how good those moments were.
You can be happy then. You can be happy now. Happiness isn’t something static. You are free to change what it means to you. It won’t invalidate the fact that you were happy all the same.
It is not wrong to outgrow even the most comfortable places. And it is also not wrong to miss these ghosts of moments that once made us feel happy, young, and free.
Just don’t let them haunt you.
Big thoughts, bigger feelings,
Louise
Typing these down… realization siz. That maybe me expecting bad things to happen after a good thing is also just me putting my guards up. Because I’m bothered by the fact that this good thing right now, too, might just be a distant memory. Something I might never have again. (So nagself therapy nanaman ako by writing this entry HAHA. Bye na nga.)
Therapy journal session aside, how are you? I hope you are doing well. I hope you have hope for better days. Most especially if you’re Filo – malaking laban ang Mayo para sa ating lahat!
April things and quick links
Bopdrop - it’s an app where you share a song a day. It’s so simple but makes sense (Kung ano ano talaga nahahanap ko sa Tiktok pls.) I got to discover new songs through it so YAY!
The Flatshare - there was a day where electricity was out and I started reading this. Power eventually was back on but I couldn’t put the damn book down. Literally is just the “but there’s only one bed” trope!! Reads like an AO3 fic but published!
Min Heo’s works.
On detaching myself from my productivity
The Killer’s Shopping List - new K-drama alert. It’s Kwang Soo so it’s fun and there’s a serial killer. So double fun! Plus, the opening sequence is BEAUTIFUL! (I feel like it’s made by Undesigned Museum because I’m seriously so obsessed with them for 2+ years now. If it isn’t, then I will have a new video agency to stalk.)
