I wish you eternal sunshine
You see, I still haven’t moved on from Epik High’s Eternal Sunshine from 2019. Through all the releases and albums the past two years, it still is my favorite song. Maybe it’s partly holding on to the year I genuinely enjoyed living; or maybe rn, I’ve been drowning in anxiety, again, as the song sings.
Do you get lonely?
Sick with anxiety?
Can’t trust nobody?
Well, same here.
The year has been rough for all of us, hasn’t it? I like to think of this feeling as fleeting, but it’s been going on for quite a while. While sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder, other days it just leaves you lonely.
This weekend, I’m meeting a friend. (Not through a screen!) The first in a long time. It took me a week to say yes, and I’m still convincing myself to not feel guilty doing so. We really took catching up over a meal or coffee for granted. I miss friends. I’m bad at telling them, though. Well, I’m bad at expressing in general. Thank God for low maintenance friendships, but I still know I should do better.
I got trouble sleeping, I’m suffering again
When was the last time I slept deeply?
Last weekend, I slept SO much that I was only awake for meals. To be fair, I pulled multiple all nighters that week. I was editing until 6 AM on a Saturday. I don’t know why I have to defend myself when sleep shouldn’t be a trophy. Sleep should just be sleep. I hate the “productive” mindset our generation has come to – an illusion to having control of things. Of life. And I hate myself more for finding it hard to break from it. I try.
Baby, slow down, stop feeling suffocated
Stop feeling anxious that you might fall behind
Good things come in due time
Pay it no mind
Today, I try again. I’ve learned to limit myself. Or I’m learning to. Explains why I have the time to write this now. Just finishing up my last work thing for this year and then I will take a break. For real, this time. More time for fun experiments! (The Eternal Sunshine art here is actually part of a series I’m making for myself. I’ll share more soon.) Definitely more time for K-pop and kalulungan things. (NCT 2021, you’re that last piece of thread stringing my year together.)
Well, I’m here
Epik High’s songs feel like that of a close friend’s presence. A proxy companion because this quarantine thing has been going on for far too long. This time, too, Eternal Sunshine hugs me in silence.
Life is hard. It gets lonely but don’t ever think you have to do everything alone.
I wish you eternal sunshine
“If something can make you long for tomorrow even if it’s something small… I think it might be happiness.”
Ending with this video I go back to every now and then. Sleepless in ____ is an album I really love. I share about Epik High a lot but I still think it will never be enough. I hope you find comfort in them too.
Wishing you sunshine from afar,
Louise
