On starting over
“Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
I’ve pinned these words in the middle of the year, going back to it every now and then. I’ve decided since then, but still, I’m trying to convince myself that it is a proper decision. I wanted to make sure I’ve hit a home run. That I’m not just going in circles.
don’t you run run run
it’s already been hard
walking now is okay
This year, I’ve been running. I’m lucky to have done things I never would have even thought possible. Teenager me would think of present me as delusional if I told her. It is not where I thought I’d be, but still, it’s somewhere. (Somewhere nice, even. But is it not enough that where I am is not the same as where I used to be?) You know that feeling when things are going so well, that you’re looking for a ‘mercury retrograde’ of sorts to throw everything off-key? Well, I’m my own obstacle.
you can take a break
you can take it easy
you don’t have to overwork yourself
I want to walk. I want to see the views. I want to stop and smell the flowers. It’s not fun in full speed. So I decide to do just that. You don’t always have to keep going! A lesson that took me a wild (WILD!) year to learn. Sometimes, giving up is even braver than holding on.
✴
I had passing talks with my mom in the past month. I told her of next year’s plans. (Or lack thereof.) “I’m tired,” I repeatedly said. I booked us a beach trip as a break. It’s deja vu, actually. She knows that it meant I’m going to take a longer one. We sit down to talk longer. I cried. Definitely, deja vu.
This year, too, I’m even luckier to be surrounded by people who believe I could be whatever I want to be. Even on days when I don’t know what that ‘whatever’ is. Especially on those days.
I want to be many things. But I also want a break.
At the start of a new year, I will be ending things. Or more like closing chapters. End is so harsh of a word.
You know how some plants need to be trimmed to grow? Cutting off roots or stems? I can never figure out why they did that especially when the plant seems to be doing okay. All I could think of was, “It’s growing, let it be.” But maybe we’re the same. All these unlived lives waiting to branch out. You might kill a plant in the process, but you may also bring life to new ones.
✴
The year-end drama is a bit early, bare with me. 2021 is the year I did things I love; and done things I never thought I’d even like! It is also the year I learned to unlove old things that were once comfortable. (Maybe the only certain thing is uncertainty.) It has been a full circle. But again, I am convinced that coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.
Starting over,
Louise
